Omissions Accomplished

How about that ___________? His comments in last Thursday’s ____________ trade got an active e-mail conversation with a group of industry friends and colleagues (including a few former clients) that went back and forth for much of that day and provided hours of comic relief.

Even the trade carrying the story wrote it in a style that satirized his vainglorious confabulation. ______ didn’t pick up on it because he was too consumed with counting the number of times his name was mentioned.

It’s the one where _______ gave himself a high five for the good showing ____ is enjoying since the ___________ market implemented Arbitron’s PPM.

He even provided a “betcha didn’t know” fact: Most Hispanic males speak English and listen to rock music!!!! Ooooookay! Gotcha! Brilliant! Bravo!

Think back to the 1992 Presidential campaign when George Herbert Walker Bush stopped in a supermarket to shake babies and kiss hands and became mesmerized by a bar code scanner. Same thing.

He brings to mind the lyrics from that Hall and Oates song: You're out of touch/I'm out of time.

He’s so past his expiration date that he’s put himself in the at-risk category for contracting Dutch elm disease.

I didn’t see the memo he sent to his rock radio clients but I’m sure it closed with: “Start planning your 2008 Cinco de Mayo promotions now.” His next epistle will be on how to speak English to the Hispanic audience.

You have to wonder if ______believes that Irish listen to nothing but jigs and U2; Italians listen to nothing but Sinatra, Dino, Al Martino, and any other entertainer whose name ends in a vowel, and Eastern Europeans only listen to polka and know all the words to the “Volga Boat Song.”

While we’re at it, let’s get to the real reasons for _____’s rise in the ratings. ______ must’ve had a senior moment when he forgot to mention the format change that provided the advantage to his station. When Joel Hollander dropped rock for Free FM on ____ it freed up rock TSL for _____. It’s not that ____ was a better station than ____. What made former successful was ___________ in morning drive. It was his second best market in the country. Everything else on that station was gravy.

Come to think of it, wasn’t ______ consulting ____ before they sent him a Dear John letter, wishing him well on his future endeavors?

So he crossed the street.

I haven’t seen anything other than the 12+’s but I’m willing to wage that the raison d'être was that an exceptionally small percentage of listeners that made ______’s ratings look good.

Maybe ______high five’d himself too soon. Clear Channel just switched their Hispanic _____ _____ format to rock in that market. As they say in _______, “what up, doe!” Even the deef and dumb cowpokes at the Double C Ranch in San Antonio have it figured out.

It gets better. I had to meander over to _______’s blog. Lately, he’s been doing…ahem…research on what the rock audience really wants. I think he uses a special model Magic 8-ball. The messages read: Cell phones are popular. Classic rockers listen to FM radio.

If you asked him the time, he’d tell you how to break a watch.

Don’t laugh. The guy’s actually brilliant. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, he still gets kisses in the mail every month from clients that still believe his propaganda.

Future Shock author Alvin Toffler came up with a better depiction of what _______ advises: Obsoledge. Obsolete knowledge.

There are those atypical occurrences when he’s come up with a useful idea for his client stations – but, alas, even those don’t fall under the “even a blind squirrel finds an acorn occasionally” hypothesis.

One of his clients, ____, is programmed by ____ ______, who is one of – if not the – best active rock program directors in the country. He lives the station. What one hears is his creation. He has one of the few stations where listeners can recite the names of every personality in every daypart on his station – not just morning drive, which, by the way, he also dominates.

Every so often ______ will pick up on a successful programming or promotion initiative ______ did on ____ and suggest it to other stations he consults. Here’s the problem. He doesn’t know why he’s suggesting it or the reasons for its success. I know he hates those consultant jokes but you have to admit that – stop me if you heard this one before - he’s like the expert who can tell you how to make love in 99 ways but doesn’t know any women.

He does have the two items requisite to be persuasive. Grey hair and hemorrhoids. The grey hair makes him look distinguished and the hemorrhoids make him look concerned. Full disclosure: That one was courtesy of one of his past clients.

I’d ask that we do an intervention before ______ inserts foot in mouth again – but after thinking about it, don’tcha just like him the way he is?