HD-railed

Last Sunday I read through the department store circulars. All were pushing Father’s Day gifts. I gave Wal-Mart special attention. After all, they’re supposed to be promoting HD Radio, right?

Hmmmm. Didn’t see HD Radio in Wal-Mart or any other circular.

I started reading the Sunday New York Times. First section. Half-way through. Full page ad. “This Father’s Day get Dad what he really wants.” Sirius satellite radio.

For some mysterious reason, every Wal-Mart store I’ve stopped in over the past week didn’t have any HD Radio units displayed – and had none for sale.

And I got the same response I did three and six months ago when I asked about HD Radio.

“You mean HD TV?”

“No, HD Radio.”

“Do you mean HD DVD or Blue-Ray? We have those…”

“No, HD Radio. It’s a new product.”

“We have satellite radio.”

“No, HD Radio.”

I have yet to find one clerk in any Wal-Mart that even knows of HD Radio.

Let’s try Best Buy.

Identical dialogue.

Maybe I’m wrong about marketing. I’d swear that HD Radio manufacturers would team up with department and media-appliance stores to push their product for Father’s Day. After all, Dad’s so hard to buy for. Mel Karmazin knows that. That’s why he bought that full-page ad in the Times.

The only place we’re going to see HD Radio on display is at the Failure Hall of Fame. Even there it won’t get the prime placement given to Iridium, New Coke, Blue Pepsi, eight-tracks, and AM stereo. At least a few consumers bought into those products.

I have no desire, like others who advise radio stations, to promote HD radio. Maybe it’s because I’m not, never was, and never plan to be on Ibiquity’s payroll. I wonder if that's the reason why my invitation to Ibiquity's latest promo party got lost in the mail.

Some industry trades aren’t always known for their accuracy. They have to drink the Kool Aid since some of their revenues come from those full-page HD Radio ads.

Ibiquity must have the rubber stamp franchise at the FCC. They've closed more deals with the Commission in the last five years than Cal Worthington sold cars in the past thirty.

Just wait until you hear the digital hash on AM radio once HD Radio shatters that frequency. HD on AM conversion will be more expensive than FM’s conversion costs. In addition to upgrading equipment, they’ll be major elephant bucks spent to insure proper bandwidth, which will require a retuning of AM antenna systems.

Face facts. HD Radio doesn’t work. Period. End of story. Fini. Commit to memory the swindler…er…advisor that convinced you HD radio was worth the investment. Remember, Caesar considered Brutus a loyal advisor, too.

Bob Struble? Rhymes with Bernie Cornfeld.

It makes you wonder if Ibiquity’s side business is sending out e-mails guaranteeing you $30 million from a deposed Nigerian diplomat.

Let’s put it another way. Hypothetically visualize a world where every home in the U.S. has at least one HD radio. Every automobile in America has an HD Radio. Let’s even say that you can actually pick up the side channels with the flick of a button – and don’t have to jiggle that pig tail antenna to find a signal.

And since we’re taking our hypothetical HD Radio journey into the land of improbability, let’s say that every format on HD Radio complemented its host station.

Given that, no one radio station would have enough audience to buy time on.

Were you actually surprised with those PPM’s showing virtually no audience loyalty to any one station? Do you really want to spread your shares that thin with HD Radio? You'd be talking about a whole of stations sharing a zero-point-one or two.

Do the math. There aren't enough listeners for too many stations.

The first time I tried HD Radio it was in New York. Couldn’t pick up a thing – even with line-of-sight to Empire.

The second time I tried HD Radio it was in Cleveland. I was only able to pick up one station that stayed on longer than thirty seconds. (I had better luck with Internet radio back it the 28.8 dial-up days). One of the Clear Channel stations has a side-channel dedicated to forties and fifties hits – a cheap imitation of Music of Your Life.

Stop right there.

You’re pitching HD Radio. Who’s your demo? If in the real world you could actually buy an HD Radio at Wal-Mart or K-Mart or Best Buy, who’s most likely to buy one and why? Do you think someone 65 or older would buy it to hear a third-rate Music of Your Life format on a fourth-rate product? Come on, get serious.

I'll give you this. It's probably a thrill for those who'd like that format to hear Andy Williams’ “Canadian Sunset” for the first time in fifty years. It’s less of a thrill when you’re hearing it day after day.

Some canned HD formats rotate the same identical programming every four, six, eight, twelve hours every day. Free advice: At least do odd hours so you’re not repeating the same music at the same time day after day.

Or maybe they know the odds of getting in that HD Radio side channel for more than a few minutes at a time justifies the format's rotation.

You’ve heard of DUI’s. HD radio has created another acronym: DUE. Diminished user experience.

There is no compelling reason to buy an HD Radio. It’s too bad the companies that were snookered into going HD can’t sue. If Ibiquity was a country it would’ve claimed that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.

How about the classic rock station with a side channel for Hispanic hits? How does that relate, complement or expand the host station’s appeal?

I’m all for companion stations. In fact, it’s going to be essential.

But they’ll be on the Internet – where they belong.

Of those, the only successful ones will be those with formats that in some way complement its host station. Deep oldies, deep album tracks, deep hits – whatever.

As far as HD Radio goes. It’s in its own deep…well, you know.